The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
