I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize