So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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