If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
