escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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