I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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