I threw up into my coffee this morning.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize