im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I wish you could order shots online.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I AM VODKA MAN
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
