Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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