at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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