I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
