I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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