I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
