Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
