i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize