I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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