the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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