I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Randomize
