He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
