note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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