Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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