I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
