Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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