All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
