I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
