k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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