the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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