Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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