i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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