Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
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