I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize