I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
