god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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