I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
