Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
