I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
