I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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