Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
