Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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