i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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