i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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