I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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