I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
