Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
