Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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