This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
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