just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
