The maid of honor just puked.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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