she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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