Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
