I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
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