I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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