What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
