Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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