Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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