Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Randomize
