Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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