I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
