she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
cat food counts as protein by the way
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Randomize
