Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
did i just pee glitter
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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