My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
