mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
