i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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